I listened to an article this weekend that was published in the New York Times called What if there is no such thing as closure?
There is a related book called The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change by Pauline Boss. I have not read the book yet but put it in my waiting list at the library.
Ambiguous loss is something sojourners and especially our children, Third Culture Kids, talk about often. Or should talk about. This is a lovely, fulfilling, interesting life but it comes with inherent losses that are hard to name.
As we seek to do good better, we also need to consider our own emotional health and the ways our choices of life and vocation impact our bodies and minds and hearts on many levels. One area to reflect on is that of loss, ambiguity, and this myth of closure.
I once told a counselor friend that I was confused about how to feel about my parenting in Djibouti specifically in the context of relating to French teachers at my children’s school. I felt like I was failing to advocate for my kids because I couldn’t understand the culture or all the language as well as I would have in my native country. She said, “What you feel is grief.” I didn’t want to use that word. Grief felt like it should be held out for the really terrible losses, the irretrievable losses. She insisted and she was right. And once I allowed myself to feel that grief from the loss of my sense of parental identity or competence, to acknowledge that by living cross culturally, I was giving up a natural and instinctive way of being, I could move forward.
That’s just one example. Expats lose family events and holidays and baby’s births and funerals. They lose cultural moments. They lose countries and possessions and friends who sort of slip away once they leave. They lose the ability to use proper English idioms (which is more funny than sad). I am not writing these things to complain, and there are many, many more examples.
Other ways people experience ambiguous loss occur with miscarriage, giving up a child for adoption, a loved one sinking into dementia, cancer treatments, the death of a loved one and all the futures with that person, divorce, a job change, moving, a sport injury…sometimes there isn’t anything specific to point to. It is still loss.
I thought this article was helpful in pointing out this area of grief. Have you heard of this concept before? It is even more relevant now during the pandemic years as most people around the entire planet have experienced ambiguous loss on some level.
How do you experience ambiguous loss and how do you respond to it?
Ambiguous Loss, the Myth of Closure, and Expat Life
Many years ago, my wise husband began changing his terminology. We no longer talk with younger missionaries about "culture shock" but more about "cultural grieving". Sure there are moments of culture shock at first, but in time what we are all really dealing with is the loss of, well, everything and everyone we know. It has helped us.
I also think this pandemic has created unidentified losses and grief. Life as we knew it does not exist and for many change is hard. Unexpected home schooling brought challenges to many families. Working from home can be good or isolating. Shopping online can be efficient and time saving or sad because shopping in public is something you enjoy doing. New organizational skills either blossom or you are burdened by the lack of them. Time together with friends or even family is limited or nonexistent. I could go on but the question remains how do we cope with these changes and losses? Many have formed pods with people they are comfortable with while some are now beginning to widen those pods and interactions. Others have ignored the concerns altogether and have continued as usual. What is most important in all of this is to be cognizant of our own sadness and loss and also to be aware of the pain of others. For me, one of my joys is having people in my home through hospitality so the lack of openness in my home has been an extreme loss for me these past two years. Therefore I have attempted to reach out to friends and family in a variety of ways - zoom calls, zoom Bible Studies, letters, food deliveries, gift cards, phone calls, online baby showers, and other ideas. But it takes a conscious effort to reach out in unfamiliar ways. Each of us needs to step out in faith asking God to show us how He would like us to minister to self and others. Be kind and forgiving to self, be kind and gracious to others. Think creatively outside the box.