(I wrote this essay for another newsletter two weeks ago. This version is edited to include interesting links for more exploring, if you are so inclined.)
I’m not entirely sure expats have been more prepared for the coronavirus, as some have suggested (we talked a little about it here). We do know about transition. We know how to wipe our bums without toilet paper. We know how to stock up and lay low and hold our most-loved people close and how to use Skype and Zoom and all the internet things. But I don’t think all that necessarily prepared us for a pandemic.
That said, I do find several fascinating similarities between covid life and expat life. Here are ten:
Language learning. “Social distancing.” Wait no, is it physical distancing that we’re supposed to say now? And what, exactly, does either phrase mean? Pandemic. Covid-19. Coronavirus. Wait no, novel coronavirus. Flatten the curve. Cluster. Droplet transmission. Asymptomatic. Contact tracing. Shelter in place. Quarantine. PPE. N95. Zoonotic. Viral shedding. Super spreading. Comorbidity. Tell me true – how many of these words did you use (non-medical people) pre-pandemic on a daily or hourly basis? It seems like every day there is a new word or phrase to interpret. This is exhausting labor for the mind and the spirit. I have now studied five languages and speak three pretty well. Still, I find it exhausting to operate in a foreign language. No wonder that at the end of each covid day, we are all completely exhausted. We’re operating in a foreign language all day long and lives hang in the balance (see #7).
New clothing. Masks and gloves. But what kind? Plastic face shields, homemade, paper, N95. What kind of material? How does it attach: in the back of the head or around the ears? Is the mask supposed to match the outfit? Does the mask need to make a statement, political or otherwise? Can we now establish pecking orders and social status and economic status by what kind of mask a person is wearing? Or not wearing? Do you spend much time thinking about your mask? Expats, especially women and especially women in Muslim countries, think a lot about what we wear. Like a lot a lot. It is exhausting.
I wrote about tucking my dress into my underwear
Will mandatory face masks end burqa bans? (there are both serious and hilarious conversations about this online)
New social cues. Not only are the social cues new, they are hard to read from behind masks and it isn’t always clear what one person expects. Does this one bump elbows? Tap feet? Stand and wave? Shake your hand? What is the proper protocol for when we forget and accidentally shake someone’s hand or pat their shoulder? Like, as an expat, what do I do when I lean the wrong way for a cheek kiss and wind up giving a big smackaroo to my friend’s husband? A family was walking together: white mom and dad, three white teenage boys, two black blood-related-and-adopted boys, and one black sister. She told me people shouted at them to “social distance! social distance!” as if this kind of family were not a family. Now, with the pandemic, people tell you what to do with your body and with your clothing. Expats often get told what to do with our body and clothing, mostly by people trying to be helpful and who want us to adapt but we have to think extra hard about it all. It is exhausting.
Fear. So many things to be afraid of. Other people. Coughing – your cough and their cough. Will airspace open and what will it be like to travel? What happens when someone I love gets sick? What about jobs and economies? The future is so uncertain. It is exhausting.
Expats and fear: Another Chance to Be Afraid
Chameleon-living. This person wants no contact whatsoever, not with groceries or mail or people. This one doesn’t care and wants to invite you in. You aren’t quite sure what you think and could go either way. Or, here you wear a mask and eat outside. In the next county, no masks and restaurants are all closed. Constantly adapting, constantly trying to be aware of expectations and adjusting to fit them and also figuring out what your own expectations and desires are. It is exhausting.
Don’t know how to do the basics. You used to know how to grocery shop. Now you’re going down the aisle in the wrong direction. Again. You used to know how to hand money to a cashier. Now you don’t anymore. You used to know if it was okay for the kids to play on playgrounds (it always was). Now you aren’t sure. You used to know the rules, laws, social cues, how to read lips. Now you have no clue what is going on ever anywhere. You are basically like a baby again. It is exhausting.
So much pressure. Your child’s education is riding on you. Your family’s financial survival is riding on you. Every single person’s health is riding on you. The world is riding on you. As expats: the school or the mission or the refugee camp or the business is riding on you. Language fluency is all up to you. Healthcare, community building, marital health, thriving kids. It is all riding on you and it is exhausting.
Utterly exhausted but accomplished nothing. You know how tired you are because of all these things? Well, you have also accomplished exactly nothing all day long so why are you tired? You don’t quite know and feel rather guilty and aren’t sure this is how you imagined this stage of life would go for you. It is exhausting.
Home has changed in meaning. Home is shelter, it is work, it is community, it is a prison, it is safety, it is the opposite of safety. Where do you want to be now? Where do you want the memories of this time to be created? Can you make it safe, comfortable, meaningful? It is exhausting.
Your people. They matter more, make you laugh harder, you miss them harder, who they are has become clearer. They are also exhausted and they help you bear up under it because we’re doing this Covid thing, we’re doing this expat thing, all over again tomorrow. And the next day and the next day and the next. Choose your people and love them until you are so exhausted you aren’t exhausted anymore and let them love you back just as hard because these are your people.
What would you add to this list of ways Covid life is like expat life?